Something

To finally feel something searing through

Your numb, inner tangled mass of sinew, stocks and synapses.

A glimpse of yourself.

A breath from somewhere else;

Unknown really;

And yet, the consequential smile emerges regardless.

A resonance somewhere,

Leading to an outpouring of chemicals.

What can you do?

The mind, and mind alone is left with this

(No matter what your body says).

It may always remain.

As the polar opposite of hate, you are only too aware

That that something so potentially unbearable and wonderful

Waits patiently not far beyond.

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Ridiculousness?

“It’s not a case of believing that I need to punish myself”, she implored,

“But when you have moments of clarity that make you realise

The ridiculousness of the hopes and dreams

That your imagination allows you to conjure up,

I cannot help but feel humiliated, disgusted and ashamed

That I let it happen”.

 

Taking a deep breath, she continues “That sinking realisation…

It’s like nothing else, it rips through you

Tearing part of you away.

You are witnessing all those thought-filled hopes

Be crushed in front of your eyes.

You are forced to watch as they are disdainfully tossed aside

Into an indistinguishable withering heap of judgement”.

 

Her eyes fall to her lap.

“Surely there is only so many times that this can happen?!

Otherwise, what would be left?

Everything always goes too far,

You get swept up and carried away before you have time to look back.

I wanted to imagine, to hope

As a way of believing that things would be okay;

And that I didn’t have to feel so empty.

With echoes bouncing around menacingly inside me.

 

And still, every time I allow myself ridiculous indulgence

I risk being left with this”.

Invisible Ties

All she can do is stand there, watching.

Overwhelmed, emotions flaring; ready to burst.

Everything she wanted and more.

And yet, she can’t be seen.

Assumptions and invisible ties bind her,

Forcing her into the background.

 

If only she could say something…

But if she does she risks…

What?

Herself?

The cruel slap of reality?